First and foremost:

I SAW PATRICK DEMPSEY!!!!!!


I was not expecting that I would, to be honest.  The schedule of events was not finalized, or at least not made available, until about a week before the event, and that final schedule (emailed to participants) gave the time of the closing ceremony, hosted by PD at 3 PM.  Awesome.  You know, considering that one of my aunts had a returning flight out of Portland at 3:30.  I suspect that there were more/better opportunities to see/talk to/meet PD after the closing ceremonies, but for the limited time we had...it was the result of phenomenal luck, and altogether a very surreal experience.  Hasn't quite sunk in yet.

I did not get to actually meet/talk to him (this year...we're already planning next year!).  I'm okay with this, because I did get ridiculously close.  I mean a foot away.  I saw the eyes, I heard the voice, and y'all....he is an incredibly skinny man.  Also:

Class Act.

I know we've all heard/read stories about PD and his awesomeness and generosity, but y'all...I have now seen it twice, first hand.  I cannot tell you all how impressed I am by this man.

More later, and pictures.  I already know that there are some other participants who post on other GA boards who actually did get to meet Patrick, and have shared their stories/pictures, but really y'all...can we have too many pictures of this man? I also have what I think is a really sweet, special story, and I'm 99% sure that no one else witnessed it/knew what they were witnessing.

Give me some time to recover from my whirlwind weekend, and I'll have a new chapter and pictures up for you shortly.

Seriously, though....Patrick Dempsey = Class Act.

Edited to add this teaser.  I promise this is NOT the best picture I have of him (I have one that I may well print out, frame, and put next to my bed), but I'm working on cropping all of them to get rid of the random other people.  My aunt also has a couple of very good shots, she'll be emailing those to me once she's had a chance to recuperate from our experience, and I'll share them, too.  For now, though, just a little teaser....the Curls:

So when I said "new chapter by season premiere", I totally meant "unless trouble comes up at work that complicates my life, in which case it will actually be a day or two after the season premiere."

With that said, I don't think I'm spoiling anything after watching the season premiere to say....

Maybe this makes me a horrible person, but my one consuming thought after the last two hours of Grey's?

I STILL HATE THAT FREAKING POST-IT.

Off to work on the chapter while I watch Bones on DVR so that you can have it soon.

Post-its will not be featured in this chapter.

1) I just watched the season 5 finale again tonight. You know, just because it was on.  And because my DVR forgot to record Bones (I'm very upset with it for this), so I had nothing else to watch when I got home from class.  I hate the Post-It note "wedding" as much as ever.  Also, I don't think I remember Alex's crying at the end breaking my heart quite so badly.

2) With the exception of the previews airing duing/after the episode, I am unspoiled for the season premiere.  I take that back.  I do know one major spoiler, the one that relates to new characters and how they plan to accommodate K. Heigl's LOA and Ellen Pompeo's maternity leave.  I am not thrilled.  Anything that involves new characters in general is not going to go over well with me - not when it took us five seasons to meet Derek's mother and we still haven't met Alex's family

3) I bought my plane ticket this weekend, so it's official!  I'll be participating in the Dempsey Challenge in SEVENTEEN DAYS.  I have quite obviously lost my mind - my aunts and I are going, taking a long weekend since we've all always wanted to go to Maine, and all three of us are running the 5K.  Seven or eight months ago, before that descent into hell that my life took a while back, I was in fantastic shape, running 3x a week, ready to go.  I haven't run in months.  I may never walk again after this trip.  I'm just saying.  Also, my aunts are having way too much fun mocking me for my stalking of Patrick Dempsey.

4)  I've had a rough week writing for class/dealing with some other stuff at home, but I have the house to myself this weekend and no social life, so......I am confident in telling you that I will finally, finally have a new chapter for you before the season premiere a week from tonight.  Maybe even as early as Sunday, if I can swing it.

One more week until Grey's comes back!!! 

Thank you all for your patience during my incredibly long hiatus.

I think things are finally (slowly) turning around.  There have not been anymore soul-crushing, life-shattering turns of events in my life lately (knock on wood.) 

I have been insanely busy at work (although summer courses have been in session, the flow of students for those pales in comparison to the rush we see the first week back for fall semester.)

I have begun work on my Master's degree, just one class this semester, but here's where the good news for you comes in...

My class is a composition class.  My "homework" is to write for at least two thirty-minute sessions per week.  It doesn't matter what I write, as long as I write.  I do have to keep a log of what I write, but I don't have to say "fanfiction"...I can just say, "untitled multi-chapter fiction piece".  I don't have to actually turn in everything that I write, just a selected two pieces at the end of the semester.

So see? Now writing is my homework.  I have to do it...I even get a grade now, for writing fanfic.  

On top of this, my mental block against touching this fanfic lifted last week.  I've spent the last couple of days reading One Step from the beginning, trying to get that voice back so I can finally finish up this chapter.  I've learned (after what is now a what, six month hiatus?) not to give specific timelines...but the point is...

I'll be back soon.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for staying with me.

It has been a month since my last post, I know.  It seems I've gone on an unofficial, unspoken hiatus.

I've spoken briefly about some of my personal life issues here, and I'm going to be very candid in this post.  For that reason, it will likely not stay a public post for very long, but because I know there are a number of people who check for updates here religiously, I wanted you to know that I have not disappeared without just cause.

The last three or four months of my life have been a downhill spiral.  I have had two incredibly perfect job opportunities dangled in front of me, only to lose both in the end.  I lost my beloved cat in May, and in the first week of June, a dear friend lost his father in a very unexpected, very tragic accident.  That family has played a very important role in my life, and I was devastated by the loss of this amazing person.  My work life, which I have complained about extensively, continued to deteriorate over the next few weeks (I'm surviving work now because I'm 98% certain that I'm about to begin a graduate program this fall, which will require me to leave my job in January in order to complete requirements for the program.)

The last three weeks have been the worst.  On June 12, I had an appointment to take a sample for a DNA paternity test.  My biological father has never been a part of my life; I sent a letter to the man my mother identified in April and corresponded with him throughout May via email in order to arrange the DNA test.  Last Monday, June 22, I received the results of the test - there is 0% probability that this man is my biological father. My mother has lied to her family, my adoptive father, and me all along.

I am absolutely crushed.  I don't know now if I will ever have the answers I want and need.  I have intruded upon this poor man's life for no reason (though he has been unspeakably kind and generous).  My very estranged relationship with my mother has been further destroyed by this betrayal - and this is a relationship that was already nonexistent.  My family members feel angry and betrayed; I have spent most of the last week in shock.  This is a truth I have believed for eight years that I now know was never real.

I will come back to this story.  I will write it.  I promise.  I don't know when.  I hope soon, but to be honest...right now it's about all I can do to get up and go to work every morning, and make it through the day without breaking down in tears.  I do not have the energy to write, and it's a stress that I just can't handle right now.  Soon, I hope, after my mother is confronted and I can start moving on from this.  

I wanted to take the time to post this here because I am so grateful for those of you who continue to stick by me, to check in, to encourage and support, to visit this page almost daily to look for updates.  I wanted you to know why I am not here.  I am also (again, temporarily) offering the link to my personal blog.  (It has previously been available in a friends-only post, but because not everyone who checks here for updates is on my f-list, I'm guessing you might have wondered if I dropped off the face of the earth.)  Updates are slightly more frequent there, and you can read further details on where I've been and what I'm dealing with.  Since my real-life people don't know about my fanfic life, you won't see any mention of this story there, but if you're concerned about my absence and silence, feel free to check there to ensure that I am still among the living.

Thanks so much - I can't wait to be back with you.


- L

(7/18: I've taken down the link to my personal blog - you're still welcome there, I'm just a little paranoid about real-life people somehow finding out about my fanfic life.  If you didn't get the link before I took it down and want it, just leave a comment or message me, and I'll get back to you :) )

For the time being (that is, until the completion of One Step Back to You), I'll keep this entry at the top of the page so that it will be easier to find the fic chapters, should you so desire, without digging through tons of old posts.

Chapter One   Chapter Two   Chapter Three   Chapter Four   Chapter Five   Chapter Six   Chapter Seven   Chapter Eight    Chapter Nine   Chapter Ten   Chapter Eleven    Chapter Twelve   Chapter Thirteen    Chapter Fourteen    Chapter Fifteen (1)    Chapter Fifteen (2)    Chapter Sixteen (1)    Chapter Sixteen (2)    Chapter Seventeen (1)     Chapter Seventeen (2)     Chapter Eighteen (1)     Chapter Eighteen (2)     Chapter Nineteen     Chapter Twenty (1)     Chapter Twenty (2)     .

*Faith Makes Everybody Scared - a "lost chapter"/companion one-shot, set after episode 4.05 (between chapters one and two)

Almost done. Seriously.

Pausing for you to all scream "You've been saying that for a month (or more)!!!!"

Which is true. 

I'm also going through a personal emotional roller coaster right now.

I think I posted here previously that I sent a letter to my biological father (the Thatcher Grey of my life) back in April.

I got an email from him about a week and a half ago.

Which is awesome.

And terrifying.

But mostly awesome.

I'm in the middle of coordinating the whole Q-tip-in-the-mouth-DNA-testing thing.

Which is weird. 

And terrifying.

And pretty much consumes my every waking thought.

Because seriously?  We're talking answers to questions I've had my whole life...

And there's something else going on, too....

I'm not talking about it, so as not to jinx it.

But it could make my life infinitely better/easier/happier...

Hang in there with me while I sort through the whirlwind that the last two weeks of my life have been, and I promise I'll be back.

Hopefully with results of the Q-tip thing.

And you know, less overly personal information, and more Mer/Der.

1) Thank you so much for all your kind words about my Chloe.  I'm in mourning, and today is the first day I haven't cried all day.  I spent about three days in denial/bargaining with God.  Definitely in anger right now, and missing my beautiful kitty terribly.

2) GEORGE???? WTF??????  I was spoiler-free for the finale, and am very glad I was...but what a shock..

Most importantly:

3) A POST-IT????? WTF x 1000??????   Seriously, Shonda, so not going to cut it.  I expect much better things in September.  Sadly, I doubt I'm going to get them.

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse...





I hope you understand that no matter how close it is to completion, I won't have the next chapter up this weekend.

High: Grey's tonight.  My petty hatred of the Chief persists, but at least he was annoying in a remotely comical way, and not like last week.

Low: Next week is the season finale? Seriously? How did I miss that coming up so fast??

High: Chapter is almost done!

Low: Heard back from my job application today.  I was not selected.  Needless to say, I'm not taking this well.  I don't know how much longer I can deal with my current job, but right now, I don't have another option.  I didn't realize quite how badly I wanted/needed this to work out until I knew for sure it wasn't going to happen.

High: Going to my alma mater for my friends' graduation this weekend.

Low: Having to come back to my job.

Low: BioFather received my letter 20 April.  He's ignoring it.

Low: Mother's Day this weekend.  When your mother is Ellis Grey on steroids and has made your life hell, but people (read: grandmother) still expect you to "honor" her, it's not a fun time.  I HATE Mother's Day.  Maybe I'll like it /when I have kids.

Low: It's really just been kind of a bad week.  And when I have bad days, I tend to just...crumble under the weight of everything else that isn't going right, regardless of what actually served as the last straw.  I'm having a rough time.  I hope tomorrow will be better...at least it's Friday.

I hate the Chief. So much.  I don't want to get all spoilery about the episode, but I'm just so, so sick of the Chief and his inappropriate attitude toward Meredith.  I'm also sick of Shonda trying to shove that inappropriate relationship down my throat as something admirable or good.  It's delusional, obsessive, and creepy.  I say this as a product of mother's-infidelity-induced-divorce, so I think that gives me some credibility here: there is no way that the man responsible for the dissolution of my parents' marriage (no matter how awful the relationship was pre-affair) has ANY right or ANY place acting in a parental capacity to me or my siblings.  He can be "sorry" all he wants, but that does not mean that I'm required to grant forgiveness or allow him to demand involvement in my life on an inappropriate and personal level.  It just doesn't.  

Sometimes, I think my life mirrors Meredith Grey's way too much to be healthy. Luckily, I've avoided the tequila and inappropriate men thus far.


Also? Chapter update:  any day now.  Despite crazy times at work (two people have quit in the last two weeks, one has gone on maternity leave, and our workload has at least doubled), I've found time to write every night.  Not too much tonight, since it was a Grey's night, but it's close.  Will have the house to myself Saturday, which should indicate good things for finishing the chapter.  As it stands, I have about five more pages, probably, that need to be written in entirety, another five or so to flesh out.  The first half is completely done, save any eleventh-hour minor edits and revisions.  

If you're of the praying or well-wishing persuasion, I'd appreciate all the good vibes anyone felt like sending in my direction.  I haven't heard anything from the other job I applied for yet, but I know that I've made the "Google to see if any pictures of drunken bacchanalia and debauchery turn up that would indicate undesirable employee behavior" list.  There was a hit on my personal blog last Saturday, and I traced the IP address back to the potential employer.  I also figured out that the referring link turns up if you Google "myfirstname mylastname", so I put two and two together.  There have been no changes, good or bad, to my application status since, so I'm operating on "no news is good news", but as things fall apart at my current job...I'd really like some good news :)

Also haven't heard anything from BioFather.  That would be some nice good news, too.  You know, if you're of the sending-positive-energy-my-way persuasion.

In exchange, I promise that Derek will soon be over his illness (hey, maybe I just anticipated this swine flu thing and that's what he's got?), and I will refrain from my desire to write a chapter dealing solely with the Chief pursuing one or more of these options: a) succumbing to a recurrence of his S1 brain tumor.  b) retiring and jetting off to...the French Riviera to live out his retirement with Adele  c) falling into the sink hole in the parking lot that apparently swallowed Dr. Hahn.  d) otherwise leaving in some permanent fashion.

Off to finish Private Practice (don't ask me how I got sucked into watching this show, I still don't know.....) and write some more.

After receiving a handful of wellness checks today, I thought it would be best to let you know that I am, in fact, still among the living.

I am writing the next chapter.
It is not yet finished.
I have not written a word of it in four days.

I am returning from a four-day weekend, taken for the sake of my mental health.
I did get to sleep during those four days.
Sleep has been greatly replenishing.

I am still remarkably stressed, and when I think something is under control, either it reminds me that's it's not, or something new arises.  While on my mental health weekend, my coworker called to tell me (the second person to know) that she would be turning in her two weeks' notice on Monday (today).  This woman is one of my two friends at work, and the only other person who reliably does her job.  This means that now, I'm going to be the only person who actually has any sort of decent work ethic, as we enter our busiest time of the year.  I have applied for another job elsewhere, but haven't heard anything yet.

I also mailed a letter to my biological father on Friday.  It was delivered today, so now I'm in the fun waiting stage, wondering when/whether he will respond.  (Background if you don't know: I was raised by my Ellis-Grey-on-Steroids mother, biological father knew about me but skipped out, married another woman, had at least one other child [my half-sister] with her.  Meredith Grey, c'est moi.)

As a peace offering, I present a brief snippet.  Derek is at the trailer, being mopey and pukey and sick.  Meredith's doing her best to be all supportive-girlfriend-who-happens-to-be-a-doctor.

"If you feel up to eating, I brought some soup," Meredith offered.  "We could have dinner."

Derek eyed her warily.  "Did you...make the soup?"

"No!" Meredith replied indignantly.  "It's Campbell's.  I have to add water and heat it up, but I think I can manage that much."

Derek didn't seem convinced.  "Are you sure?"

"Funny," Meredith replied dryly.  "You're a funny man, Derek."



Gotta go write some more now, while I'm feeling motivated.  I think Derek is beyond ready to not be sick anymore, and there's still that whole conversation he had with his sister Kathleen that may or may not need to be revealed in this chapter...thanks for hanging in there with me, y'all.  I hope my life calms down soon...I love and miss this story so much.  If I could get paid to sit around and write MerDer all the time...that would be the life...

So...where I have been for the last week?

Well, after last Thursday, I was too gleeful and full of happy-giddy-joy to do much except gush over the proposal. A lot.  And cry over poor Alex.   I'm SO happy I didn't let myself read any of the spoilers or watch any sneak peaks for "Elevator Love Letter."

By the time I was able to form thoughts that weren't "EEEE THEY'RE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", it was Saturday.  My weekend was swamped with things that did not involve writing, despite my hopes that I might get the chapter done this weekend.

My work week thus far? Just keep in mind all that whining I usually do about my job, and you'll have an idea of how it went.  Energy? I have none.

I've done some writing today.  It involved a resume and cover letter for a new job.  Keep your fingers crossed for me?  If it worked out, it would mean two hours' worth of commuting every day (an hour there, an hour home), but I think it would be a much healthier work environment for me.  I'm putting the finishes touches on it now, and applying tonight.

So hopefully later tonight, and over the course of the next few days, I can wrap up the rest of this chapter and get it posted.  I've just been so. freaking. tired. 

Off to apply for jobs now.  And maybe (fingers crossed), some writing before there is sleeping.

I'm a spoiler junkie. Spoiler whore. Whatever the cool kids call it these days.

But I'm abstaining this week. I know enough to know what the "big event" happening tomorrow night (tomorrow night!!!) IS, but I refuse to learn any more than that.  Sneak peaks? This CTV promo I've heard tidbits about? Nope. Not touching them.  

And it's freaking hard. 

24.5 more hours. I can so do this...right?

I know...I'll write some more One Step, and that shall satisfy the MerDer cravings!!!  I'm having an awful week at work, have nearly quit a good half-dozen times, and I'm waffling on whether to apply for a job that would require a 50 minute commute twice a day, and untold amounts of traveling.  It would drastically cut into my free time, but I'd be earning a little less that $10K/year more and would be away from my current job.  It's been...so, so awful this week.  I and one other person are *this* close to quitting (we're also the only two who reliably DO our jobs....coincidence? I think not.), but I won't leave until/unless I have something else lined up...our boss (who is great) goes on maternity leave any time in the next few weeks.  I can't even let myself think about how bad things will be then...

So. Yeah. Moral of the story: L is having a bad week.  Too exhausted most nights to do much writing, but tonight shows promise.  With any luck, I might get the chapter out this weekend.

Might.  We'll see how things look Friday.

After giving fic-Derek in One Step a mild virus... I seem to have contracted a virus in real life.  The worst seems to be over now, but I still took a second day off of work, just to get my strength back up and whatnot.  I feel a thousand times better than yesterday, and at least now, when I work on Chapter 22, I'll have recent, real-life experience to draw inspiration from.  Poor fic-Derek.  Poor me.

Still...feeling better now.  All is well.  Might go to a friend's for dinner.  And then...back to work tomorrow. Ugh. 

Work...what good is that?

I think fic-Derek gave me his plague.  I'm miserable and sick today, and I can't move without the room spinning.  On top of this, my grandmother (now ten days post-op from a knee replacement) seems to think that despite my plague, my purpose at home today is to cater to her every beck and call.

Ugh.  I just want to go back to bed and be left alone.  But I can't, because my bed is the couch, and she's taken up residence in the living room recliner. 

Need sleep. And for her to stop talking. 

• Thanks to everyone who read and/or left comments on the last update.  It means a lot to know you're still with me after that awful hiatus.
• I'm still really loving last night's episode.
• I have overslept my alarm twice this week, including this morning, and I'm still about to pass out at the computer.
• Amid the oversleeping, I'm also panicking about grad school applications, and trying to figure out how one goes about writing a long-lost birth parent.  (I mean really...what do you say? Anyone have any advice?)
• I hate my job.  Hate, hate, hate.  A position was posted today at another school about 45 minutes from where I live...I'm weighing pros and cons of applying.

• Oh yeah...this might be the big one.  I'm 3,000 words into Chapter 22....which is considerably more than I'd accomplished on Chapter 21 within the same amount of time.

If I weren't about to pass out, I'd try writing tonight...but I'll try to get some done tomorrow :)

I probably wouldn't believe me.  But...I'm just saying.

I'm currently editing/revising page 10 out of 21.  Lots of seaming together bits and pieces of chapter, and I'm pleased with how it's fitting together.  I think I'm going to have to say goodbye to a few passages that I really liked, but their excision is necessary to make the transitions work.  It won't hurt anything for them to be gone, I promise.  

I do have to say, the speed of the editing/revision is going to slow somewhere around page 15, because Lexie decided that she'd rather show up in that part of the chapter than where I'd originally placed her, and I think she's going to fit better there...but that means I'm going to have to rework her appearance and also edit the end of that POV section (it's a split POV chapter, half Derek, half Meredith).

So...this may be an occasion where I'm posting right around midnight, but I actually think it could finally happen.  This chapter might actually get done tonight.

Just not during The Amazing Race.

Also...I had to visit youtube to watch some previous season clips for fact-checking, and I happened to stumble across Meredith on Morphine, which I haven't watched in a while.  Good times.  I laughed quite a bit, and it was a nice break from Derek's brain, which is where I've been for a few hours now (I'm just glad that this is One Step Derek's brain....current show Derek's brain, I imagine, is not a happy place to be.)

Update @ 9:15 P.M.
17/23 pages complete and ready to go.  Actually, the last three are pretty much done, too. I wrote them earlier this week; it's the stuff I've been working on for three months that's driving me crazy. 

The end is in sight.